Till death do us part…

This year my husband and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage. Which to anyone and especially to us is a big accomplishment. Recently I have found myself getting into conversations with others on the subject of marriage. Most are opposed to the thought that any marriage can be a “forever” or “till death do us part” thing. And what they are saying isn’t wrong…It’s just not true for me. When my husband and I read our vows to each other 10 years ago I don’t think either of us really looked at the till death do us part statement as anything other than a promise that we would be together forever. As someone who was young and in love its was much cuter to say, “I promise we will be together 4Ever”. So now after 10 years I am not sure how I find myself in these conversations, I really don’t. But I am sure there is a reason. So I thought I would just put my view on this here on my blog. 🙂 My point of view on this is that if you are looking for someone to make you happy for the rest of your life than more than likely you will not be happy in your marriage to ANYONE. When you are finally happy with yourself is when a true marriage begins. For me and my husband of almost 10 years that did not happen until recently. We hung onto each other all these years and got to the place we are today off of pure love. Let me be clear that it is nobody’s job or duty to MAKE YOU HAPPY. You must be happy with your TRUE self before even being able to offer your love to those around you. You cannot give something that you do not have. If you do not have love for yourself than there is no way you could truly love someone else. My true marriage began a little over a year ago when I could love who I was and still be accepted by my husband. After almost 9 years of my husband trying to make me happy I finally told him, “STOP, it is not your job to fix me or make me happy”. I took back the responsibility for creating my own happiness. That and only that is what will lead you to the right life partner or spouse. The love my husband and I have for each other is unconditional not only because he is my husband but because he is has always been my friend. He inspires me to be better and I love that about him. So if you are looking for a man or future husband start by looking within yourself. Love yourself, take responsibility for the love that you are seeking and when you have truly made peace and have excepted your TRUE self love will find its way to you. The universe will always send you what you put out there and if you are putting out love than love is what you will get in return.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” – Buddha

You create your reality…

RecentlyI have been very aware of the words I speak. I have also found myself thinking as I am talking to someone if they know what they are creating with the words they are speaking. I am not talking about “have to’s” and “want to’s” for those of you who have ever taken any type of self help training. I am talking about the thoughts and comments like, “I don’t want to be late”, “there aren’t any good men out there”, “there are no jobs because of this recession”, “my kids are this”, “my inlaws are that”. I am talking about anything and EVERYTHING that comes out of our mouths. When we speak anything our attention goes to the thing we are speaking about. Lets take money as an example. Have you ever said, “I am broke like always”? Well by saying that you are creating a world for yourselve where you WILL always be broke. The words we speak are true because WE have the power to control anything and everything in our life. I always tell people money comes to me easily and frequently. And it does! I have had checks for a couple thousand dollars just appear. This has happened to me every year or two since the age of 18. Its pretty amazing. I never knew that by saying this to everyone that it would continue to happen but it has and I know that it will keep happening because you will never hear me say, “I am broke like always”. You can also look at this like the Law of Attraction or Karma. What you put out to the universe comes back to you. Good or bad. I am a giver and will continue to be a giver. Not so that good things come back to me but because I believe that my purpose here on this earth is to be compassionate towards every human being. When I give, it feeds my soul and I hope that it helps at least one person have a good day and make them want to pass on that compassion to someone else. My daughter sometimes tells me that she is sick of my positive attitude but its my attitude that has and will continue to attract good things to not only my life but to this world. If I were to speak nothing but negative words then that would become my reality. All it takes to change years of complaing to something positive is to become aware of the words we speak, change the words we speak and take responsibility for the words we speak. Do this for one day. Analyze the converstations you have with everybody and just pay attention to what you have been creating with your words. One of my instructors told me, “You do not know what you do not know but when you stop being right all the time you will open new possibilities”. So in other words if you have not realized you have been doing this all along its okay BUT now that you DO know take action and start creating a new life for yourself. A life full of abundance, love, peace and joy.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become  character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Frank Outlaw

Our Children choose us just like we chose everyone in our lives…

My last blog spoke about parents being tested and I am here with a new realization. I cannot retract what I wrote because that is what I truly believed at that time. But what I am going to do is speak about a realization that came to me over that last 4 days. I was fortunate enough to experience a 4-day Life Mastery training with my mom and a few other good friends and it touched a little on children which of course include all beings. Something that I already knew but didn’t understand. My mom would always tell me and my brother and sisters that we chose her. And she still says this often. I say it too now to my daughter because I know that my daughter chose me. As to why she chose me I don’t think I will understand. At least not in this lifetime. But the power in knowing that she chose me and both of her father’s has opened up a different piece of my heart and a new respect for my children. Those close to me know that my daughter’s biological dad is not around as much as my daughter or I would like BUT my daughter was wise enough to choose two fathers. Again the reason why I probably won’t know in this life time BUT I understand part of it. Maybe she did it for me knowing that I needed a husband like her “step” dad. That sounds pretty powerful just typing it here on this blog. What I am saying is that we all choose the people in our lives. Our parents being the first choice. We continue to do this in our lives and all throughout our lives. Look around at all the different people you have attracted to you. We attract each and every one of them whether we like to believe it or not. And just see how you characterized each and every person and you’ll notice that in them you will see a bit of yourself. Think about the saying, they don’t get along because they are too much alike. Well if that were true than you don’t really like yourself now do you? Most of my blogs I end with my conclusion but this time I am going to leave it to you to come up with your own. Maybe there isn’t one BUT hopefully just knowing the power in knowing that you get to choose your parents or that your beautiful children have chosen you can open up your heart like it has mine.

Failure is not an option…

I have been going back and forth in my mind for YEARS as to why some parents choose not to be a part of their Childs life and I have come to the conclusion that its not a choice but rather a test that some pass and some fail. I am in no way the perfect parent BUT I try my best every single day. Some days are easier than others and then their are those moments on a good day when I think, man my kids have the best parents. That is the moment when I know I am doing right by my kids. It was over 11 years ago when my test began and even at age 17 I knew I was going to do anything and everything for that little girl I was holding in my arms. I didn’t know it then but my little girl’s birth changed the path I was going to take in life. I recently became a strong believer that people can change if they want to. I remember my dad was at my house working on the yard and I was talking to him about my daughters absent father and he said when she gets older they will find each other again. And in my case that was 100% true. For some people like me failure is not an option but then there are those that need a do over. I got my do over with my parents. They are the best parents I could have ever asked for and I hope that my little girl feels the same way about all her parents when she is older. Afte rall faith and prayers move mountains.
It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself. ~Joyce Maynard

Deal with the bad times so you can appreciate the good ones…

About this time last year my brother and I were living our transformation. We were on a internal journey. Two lost young adults trying to make sense out of what seemed to us, a sad, hard and depressing past. It was 3 days after our 2nd weekend retreat when my cell phone rang. I was still on cloud nine from the weekend and from our graduation ceremony that both my mom and dad attended. It was my dad on the line telling me he was in the hospital and that he needed all of us kids there because he didn’t think he would live through the day. He is a diabetic and his kidneys had failed. I told him I would be right there and I hung up the phone. I still remember it like it happened this morning. I hung up the phone and gave the news to my husband. I started to put some clothes and shoes on when I just broke into tears. I told my husband that it was not fair that I was going to loose my dad when I had just made things right with him. In the weeks prior to this morning call I had been mending family ties. My dad being the biggest one. Just two weeks prior someone asked me, “how would you feel if you were to lose your dad today?” and my response was, “I won’t feel anything because I don’t know him and he was never there for me”. Those words came out of me. A very hurt and selfish me. My dad has always lived in the same city as me but we never took the time to see each other or even talk to one another. And when we did spend time together it felt a bit awkward. It wasn’t until I lived through a self-help transformation that I felt appreciation for my dad. And it wasn’t until then that the father daughter relationship started to exist. It is very hard to remember good times when I was so used to thinking of our relationship as bad or non-existent. I was now at a crossroad. I had began to see my dad in a different light and I was going to lose him all in one weeks time. I put on a brave face and off to the hospital I went and there I would go everyday for about 4 or 5 weeks. Each day getting to know my dad more and more. To see him at his weakest brought out the fight in him and in my sisters and brother. There was no longer the question of what would you do if you lost your dad. We were set on getting him better and spending each day with him at the hospital. We would take turns visiting him so that someone would be there each day and he did it. He got well enough to leave the hospital and he began dialysis. I listed myself as his caregiver and I began a new journey. This journey was now taking place with my dad. My brother began the same journey but just like when we were children we were both living a different experience. Mine was one of survival and I think my brothers was more of a spiritual journey with my dad. I go to all my dads doctors visits, including some evaluations that include his most private moments. This is how I was becoming so close to my dad and to GOD. My brother has been praying for my dad while I see the everyday miracles taking place. The first miracle I remember was about 3 months ago when I sat in a doctors office during a kidney recipient evaluation. I sat there about 2 feet away from my dad while a stranger asked him if he thought he deserved a kidney. My dads response blew me away. He said, “I sat there dying in the hospital when GOD came to me. I told GOD I wanted to kill myself and he said you NEED TO LIVE.” I sat there crying. My dad held my hand but continued speaking. He said, “I had gone over ways on how I was going to die. I would throw myself from the window or die here in my room by a gun”. I just sat there in shock and with a deep deep feeling of sadness until my dad said if GOD hadn’t came to me I would have done it. GOD said I could not do it and that is when I began to fight for my life”. That was months ago. The second miracle was when my dad had surgery on his arm. I didn’t know until then that he had stopped going to his dialysis. It was about the 6th day when he told me and he only told me because I had gone to check on him and I over heard a conversation he was having with the doctor. He was again fighting for his life. He was telling the doctor on how he was not receiving the right care by the doctors staff and that he was not going back to dialysis until something was done. I asked him about it and trusted what he was doing was for his own good. The next day I got a call from him that again brought me to tears but this time it wasn’t from sadness but tears of joy. My dad said, “my doctor said my kidneys are working again. He (the doctor) has never seen this happen before”. Another miracle seen in such a short amount of time. I think back now when I was a little girl following my dad where ever he went. His “shadow”. Those memories were so far gone just a year ago. One year ago nothing but sad and bad memories came to mind. It wasn’t until he was almost taken from us that the good came back. I was lucky to have a second glance at MY LIFE, MY CHILDHOOD. Hurt and sadness can easily cloud ones memories. I was blessed to have a second chance to re-write my past and my future. Thanks to the fight my dad, my brother, my sisters and I have in our hearts our lives have become ones of appreciation, gratitude and happiness.
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. -Carl Bard

What is your poison?

Many of us are creatures of habit. Some habits are healthy and others not so much. We are taught as children to learn through habitual methods. Like learning how to write our names or learning how to brush our teeth. Those are habits that just become part of our everyday lives. Then there are other habits that throughout life we try and try to shake off. Some have to do with food, some have to do with drugs and one that not so many people talk about are ones that have to do with emotions. It’s a lot easier for me to say to someone that I HAVE TO HAVE my soda everyday than it is for me to say, every day I force myself to act like I am happy when I am really not . Both examples are habits and both can end badly. Soda can lead to obesity and continuing to live a unhappy life can lead to mental illness. I speak about this because I suffered from depression not too long ago. I lived with and battled with depression since childhood. This “addiction” started out as a habit and slowly but surely turned into poison that was taking over my everyday life. Many people who suffer from depression do not have a clue that they are depressed. I used to have a routine of going to work or school (in my younger years) and pretending that nothing was wrong and when I would get home and something bothered me I would lock myself in a room until I talked myself out of whatever it was that was bothering me that day. And that thing that bothered me could have been a tiny little thing or it could have been a big thing BUT when added to the pile of other things I had swept under the rug the size of the current problem didn’t matter. I did this for 20+ years. Too many people out there with depression do this. I thank GOD that I was able to overcome depression but that is not to say that if I don’t keep working on it and staying positive that it won’t come back. It is also wise to have a good support group of people who know what depression is to reach out to when times are rough. You wouldn’t ask your mechanic for medical advice so why seek support from someone who doesn’t have a clue about depression. Depression is not something to be ashamed of either. We all have history that makes us the adults we are today. Some of those things are not so good but they did help shape who we are today. Addressing it will make it so you keep the good qualities that have come from it and to let go of the bad. We all have the power to change our life. The first step is wanting to.

Don’t let the past steal your present. -Cherralea Morgen

Liking the person you love…

I remeber asking my husband if he liked me. We were on the road heading home and the only reason I asked him that was because I knew the answer. I knew he loved me but at that time I also knew he didn’t like me. My husband and I have been together since I was 17 and he didn’t just take me in as his girfriend but he also took in my newborn babygirl as his own. And soon after that we took in his little sister. Talk about rushing into things. BUT WE DID IT. Were there dissapointments? Yes, on both sides. Were there mistakes made? Yes, on both sides. .And every time there were dissapointments both of our families were there for us. They kept us together. We are on our 10th year of marraige and we have grown into the couple we are today by sticking it out through the good times and the bad times. Through all the ups and downs love has always kept us together. I have a husband that supports me and cheers me on and he has a wife that respects him as a provider, as a father, as a husband and as a man. We bring out the best in eachother and its because we believe in eachother. It feels nice to like the person I love.

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming

Remember what it is you are fighting for…

Sometimes we get into fights with other people and really lose sight of what it is we are fighting for. Just this week I got caught up in an unnecessary argument. My personality is not one that intentionally seeks out to hurt or offend anyone BUT I am human and when someone hits a nerve they better run for cover. In this case it involved my daughter and you better believe that as a mother I do everything in my power to protect my children. Since a young age I have made grown up decisions. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. So I have been in many situations where I am acting a little more grown up than those five or ten years older than me. In this case I saw what a negative impact this person was having on my daughter and any excuse they gave me was just that…AN EXCUSE. And not the first but just another one of the hundred excuses I’ve heard. The only difference was that now it was two people throwing these excuses around. So I was frustrated and I let it be known. Not in a mean way but I stated the facts and sometimes the truth hurts. Anyway I talked to my sister and to someone that is always just a call away (you know who you are) and that is when I realized I was no longer fighting to protect my daughter. I had wasted energy on a situation that I have delt with for many years now and I was giving it the power to become a problem. The only way I can describe it is like peeling off a scab on a cut that was just about to heal. It was getting better but by pulling it off it will take longer to heal or worse, it will scar you. So at that moment I told myself to just stop. That easy. STOP. People don’t realize that you can stop a fight without there being a winner. It takes two people for any fight to happen and if one stops whether they are in the wrong or not the fight will end. My daughter will be okay with or without me arguing. The energy that is wasted arguing can be used in a much healthier and productive way. And my role here on earth is not to be liked but to do good. As long as I am doing good I know everything else will fall in place. One of my very good friends once told me, “Sara your children will have many people influence them. You need to make sure that when it really counts it’s you that is the BIGGEST INFLUENCE.”

One man cannot hold another man down in the ditch without remaining down in the ditch with him. ~Booker T. Washington

You are who you roll with…

In these past months I have surrounded myself with positive, self motivating people. I have joined the Parent Teacher Group at my children’s school and the friends I now choose to spend my time with all have a positive outlook on life. The saying you are who you roll with has proven true in my case. So stop and look around. Who do you surround yourself with? Are they bringing you down or are they up at the top with you? I recently got to work on a PTG project with a very driven, smart women and I took on the project with an open mind knowing that the project would be a success and knowing that I would walk away with new ideas. I will be the first to say I do not know everything. Not everyone will admit that and some are even intimidated by smarter people. But when you don’t approach life with an open mind you are only limiting what someone else can teach you. I love to surround myself with people that know more than me because I know that I will get something out of it. And most important I enjoy their company. It’s nice having coffee with someone that isn’t complaining about life the entire time. That’s what I used to do. Many of us call it venting but you really just want someone to agree with you and make you think that it is okay for you to feel mad or sad. I tried doing that a couple of times with a couple of friends and they said get up and literally took me somewhere knowing that I was just putting myself in that sad spot. They didn’t talk to me about why I was sad. They didn’t want to hear my sad story. They wanted me to get up and see that I didn’t have to be in that state of mind and that I had held the remote control to my emotions. So again I ask you. Who do you surround yourself with? A true friend is not someone who listens to your sad stories. A true friend is someone that will say snap out of it and change your mood. 🙂 Thank you Lourdes and Cesar for getting me out of my funk!

The friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. ~Elbert Hubbard

You will find him in the places you least expect him

This past week god showed himself in my home. My daughter did something that really disappointed both me and her dad and it brought things to light that were going on with her and my family. My husband and I sat her down for a good conversation and my husband told her that we are a family that works together not against each other. That was the first time I heard my husband speak that way. Later that night we were getting ready to go to bed and he asked me if I would pray with him. That was also a first. In the past I would go to mass with my daughter on Sundays but he never wanted to go with us. So for him to ask me to pray with him was a beautiful surprise. Well today I asked him if he wanted to go to mass and he said yes. AND for the first time our family was chosen to participate in the mass. I share this with you because about two years ago I was sitting in my office during my final days at my previous job and one of my co-workers asked me if she could say a prayer for me. I said yes and we sat there, closed our eyes and she prayed for me. In her prayer she asked that god be there for me. I asked my co-worker how to get my husband to go and she said just have faith and keep going to mass and one day he will follow you. That was almost 2 years ago. Something that tied all of these events together is a statement our father made at today’s mass. He said you will find god in the places that you least expect him. I did not expect god to be there in my office or there when my daughter disappointed us the most. But without that incident I don’t think we all would have been going to mass together today. That just goes to show that everything in life has its purpose. We think when people do things to us or when bad things happen that we need to pray to god so that he can make things better but in reality that is god sending us a message and most times we are to wrapped up in feeling sorry for ourselves that we don’t stop and look at the whole picture. God is everywhere and I am not saying this to preach but for me this is true. Someone had faith in me (my co-worker) and I had faith in my husband. If you don’t have faith maybe there is someone out there praying for you. And if you are going through trying times, stop and take a look at what message is trying to be sent to you.